i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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