If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
