We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
