what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
