Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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