this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
