You just made me feel so damn special
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
