No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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