how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
