Your face is a jimmy john
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
