I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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