I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
