he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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