where am i from again
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
