I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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