How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
