if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
