Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
