oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
