Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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