she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
