I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
