someone get that fucking seahorse.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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