By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This baby is an asshole
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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