If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
