I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
