we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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