i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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