thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
