Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm jealous of your bromance
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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