Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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