i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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