Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
