Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
