butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
