$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
