I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
