I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
