Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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