when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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