i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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