I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
