I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
