I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I need to stop coming to work sober
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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