Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
