Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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