have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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