just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
