I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
