Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
