You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
