he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
