dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
